Resurfacing Monsters

After my last post and confessing my love of control, you can imagine how I feel about change. Like conversations, I like to prepare myself for as many aspect of a transition as I can. I did exactly that as I prepared to move to California. Now that I’ve been here for nine months and completed my first school year, it is interesting to look back and see how I handled the transition, the things I was prepared for and what I was not.

I expected the transition to be very difficult, while it has had its challenges, it really hasn’t been as hard as I expected. I knew there would be times when I missed family and friends. I did not expect to make such great friends here as quickly as I have. I did not expect to be welcomed accepted by the church staff like family from day one. For the most part, this move has far exceeded my expectations and been an incredible blessing, except for one thing.

I was not ready to have past hurts and insecurities resurface like waves crash into the rocks at the coast as the tide comes in. This has most definitely been the single most challenging thing about coming to California. Not long into the spring semester I started having horrible nightmares. I wasn’t sleeping well. I wasn’t eating well. Focusing was a challenge. Internally, all of those hurts and insecurities were like roaring monsters that I could not silence. I knew I had a choice. I could allow these monsters to silence me or I could allow God to do more healing.

I’ve decided this is a hidden gift that comes with the chaos of change and transition. There seems to be something about the shaking up of our “normal” that reminds us of our own monsters. The sudden awaking of our awareness makes way for another layer of healing and growth. I’m discovering when I allow that to happen, the insecurities fade away and the hurts have less control over me.

Now I’m not saying I’m a fan of change, but I’m learning to embrace it in new ways. And before anyone starts worrying: I am sleeping well, eating probably too well, and concentrating just fine.